The Last American Virgin

The guys discuss The Last American Virgin. Topics include: hot bubblegum, lying about parties, a penis contest, stalking, how to get rid of crabs, and mostly, the surprise ending.

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Gary stares at girl

“God, how long do I have to creepily stare at you before you’ll come talk to me?”

Gary sees Karen and decides to try out his best move…attempting to graze her breast as she shuffles past him.

 

Gary attempts to cut bra off with scissors

Gary is such a creep that for a moment you think he’s going to cut this girl up into little pieces with those scissors

Gary and Millie are gettin’ biz-ZAY on the couch. Gary struggles with her bra strap but ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

 

Fat boy accused of rape

Back in the 80’s, rape was simply a punchline to a lighthearted joke

David thinks he’s getting in bed with a fly honey and tries to get his D wet but it’s actually Gary’s mom. Of course, this is storyline is an homage to the Shakespeare play “Is Thouest Asleep?”

 

A nerd gets shoes thrown at him

“Hey nerd, stop staring at those girls and being  a creep. Now, get over here and lemme measure your hog”

This nerd gets caught peeping into the girls locker room and instead of immediately electing him class president they decide to give him shit. This is the Bizarro world of teen comedies.

 

Gary measures someone's penis.

Let’s just all take a minute to look at how excited David is to be documenting this. Look at that smile

The guys line up, one by one, and have a dick-off. This is actually what happened to all the immigrants at Ellis Island years ago. We made sure that only the most well-endowed men were accepted into the country which is why today, American men have the longest, most luxurious wieners.

 

Gary lets air out of a girl's tire

What, you’re not even gonna sniff her seat?

Gary sabotages Karen’s bike so she is forced to get a ride to school with him, a pretty lame attempt to get close to her until later when he destroys every pair of her underwear except for one last pair that he sews onto his face.

Fat guy falls in pool

Rule 3 of Movie Physics: All fat guys must fall in the pool/mud

David is having too good of a time and ends up taking an Irish Shower.

 

two guys peeping in keyhole

Hit the bricks, Gary

David and Gary root on their boy Rick as he lays down some pipe with lonely old woman. Back in the day, you used to get a merit badge for this kind of thing.

 

guys chased off by boyfriend

This scene caused a lawsuit to be filed on behalf of the Coppertone people for copyright infringement

The old woman’s boyfriend comes home and David runs away like he’s being accused of sexual assault…again.

 

Car rolls into ocean

Ghost ride tha whip!

Rick and Gary steal the nerd’s car. Then they “crash” the car. But before they “crash” the car, they get some girls and try to bone them in the car. Then, they are all excited when they “crash” the car. It’s like that Holly Hunter movie from 20 years ago, Home for the Holidays.

 

The guys have crabs

Actually, crabs are different than head lice and the appearance of body lice in the fossil record helped anthropologists deduce when humans started wearing clothes. The more you know!

Gary and David both went to a burner and are now dealing with serious cases of crotch rot.

 

Girl tells Gary that she is pregnant

“Welp, it’s about time for me to be hittin’ the ol’ dusty trail”

Karen and Rick did the deed and now she is preggers. Somehow, this is NOT a deal breaker for Gary.

 

Abortion montage

Ladies and Gentlemen, the world’s first abortion montage (Note: If you’re thinking of the one in E.T., that’s only in the director’s cut)

Gary sells his stereo to pay for Karen’s abortion, which apparently is being administered by Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

 

Gary catches girlfriend cheating

*slide whistle…going down*

Gary goes to a party to see Karen and after all he’s done for her, he finds her back in Rick’s arms. She doesn’t even send him a “thank you (for the abortion)” letter.

 

Last American Virgin Credits

Those are real tears cuz the actor playing Gary is so distraught that he’ll forever be associated with this steaming pile of shit of a movie

Gary, crying, drives off a cliff (probably).